I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
