1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
