I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
