An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Randomize
