He disabled his match.com account in front of me
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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