headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
