I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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