just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
