he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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