I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
