got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
