At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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