i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
