peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
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