I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize
