i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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