I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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