You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
