We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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