i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
