i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
