Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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