We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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