if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
one might say we're banned from that church
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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