I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
