dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Randomize
