he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
