Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I pour the whiskey from now on
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
