It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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