Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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