So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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