Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
