it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
