I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Randomize
