i just sent this text using only my big toe
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
