I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
