Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Randomize
