I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
