i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Randomize
