im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
