Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
i will never coherently bang her
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
