I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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