They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
