She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
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PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
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After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
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