some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
