Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
