You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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