Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
