I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
