All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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