i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Randomize
