Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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