so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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