did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
