wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
