yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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